DELTA FARCE (Lionsgate, May)
"Director" - C.B. Harding
"Actors" - Larry the Cable Guy, Bill Engvall, D.J. Quails
"Plot" - Trio of National Guardsmen think they've landed in Iraq, but they're really in Mexico. Just like in the real Iraq, hilarity ensues.
Who Stands To Lose Their Self Respect? - Keith David, by a long shot.
Why This Will Be Terrible - With the embarrassing situations at our veteran's hospitals coming to light, the time is right for the one-two punch insult to them that this film will no doubt provide.
KICKIN' IT OLD SKOOL (Yari Film Group, April 26)
"Director" - Harvey Glazer
"Actors" - Jamie Kennedy, Miguel Nunez, Jr., Maria Menounos
"Plot" - In 1986, young breakdance whiz dances himself into a coma and awakens as overgrown child Kennedy, now determined to win his childhood sweetheart (Menounos) back from her creepy boyfriend. No really, that's the plot.
Who Stands To Lose Their Self Respect? - Co-star Maria Menounos, the oh-so-pretty Access Hollywood correspondent who can probably no long interview the Dustin Hoffmans and Al Pacinos of the world by staring them straight in the face after this.
Why This Will Be Terrible - How could it not be?
FIREHOUSE DOG (Fox, April)
"Director" - Todd Holland
"Actors" - Some dog
"Plot" - A famous movie stunt dog gets lost and is taken in by the lonely son of a widowed fireman and later learns to save lives.
Who Stands To Lose Their Self Respect? - Bruce Greenwood and Steven Culp, who gave excellent performances as Jack and Bobby Kennedy in THRITEEN DAYS, now reunited in a movie where they play second banana to a CGI dog, not played by Kevin Costner.
Why This Will Be Terrible - How many times have we seen this movie? Seriously? When will the children rebel against these films, huh?
ARE WE DONE YET? (Sony, April)
"Director" - Steve Carr
"Actors" - Ice Cube, Nia Long
"Plot" - MR. BLANDINGS BUILDS HIS DREAM HOUSE is remade as a sequel to ARE WE THERE YET, with Cube taking over for Cary Grant. Or for you younger viewers, THE MONEY PIT is remade with Ice Cube in the Tom Hanks role.
Who Stands To Lose Their Self Respect? - John C. McGintly
Who Stands To Lose Their Street Cred? - Cube.
Why This Will Be Terrible - Ice Cube + dilapidating house = GHOST OF MARS keeps looking better and better as the years go by (and really, I do love GHOST OF MARS).
THE NANNY DIARIES (MGM/Weinsteins, April)
"Directors" - Shari Springer Berman, Robert Pulcini
"Actors" - Scarlett Johanson, Laura Linney, Chris Evans
"Plot" - From the best-selling novel, the story of a sweet, innocent nanny of a precocious, trouble-making tot born to rich, arrogant, we-don't-understand-our-children-because-we're-too-caught-up-in-ourselves New Yorkers.
Who Stands To Lose Their Self Respect? - Paul Giamatti. That Academy snub for SIDEWAYS must have really hurt, huh?
Why This Will Be Terrible - NYC-based best seller + The Weinsteins = Has this combination ever been good?
SKINWALKERS (Lionsgate, April)
"Director" - James Issacs
"Actors" - Canadians
"Plot" - Good werewolves vs. bad werewolves in a small American town somewhere in British Columbia.
Who Stands To Lose Their Self Respect - Elias Koteas, an excellent actor (see Cronenberg's CRASH and the new ZODIAC) who is also human and therefore must eat food to survive and in order to eat food he must work so that he could afford said food. And food isn't as cheap as it used to be, people.
Why This Will Be Terrible - Werewolves are the new vampires, meaning that there will be so many lame werewolf movies coming out that whatever appeal they once had will be sucked dry by the filmmaker's lack of imagination. Just look at this trailer and you'll see what we mean. Oh wait, we don't have a trailer for you because there's no site up for a movie that opens in about a month. That's studio support for you.